lifeless
by Evelynyamine
Summary: it was eating him away. and no one noticed because Alfred was a very good hider. when circumstances change, will anyone figure out why his eyes are so lifeless now?
1. Chapter 1

america stared out the window, sadness evident in all his features. It was raining today in washington dc, and alfred couldnt help hut take time to reflect on his past.

_the revolutionary war: britian looked at america like he was a disgusting demond, when he found out what he had been doing to his government officals, _maybe he was right... i am disgusting.

_civil war: the other nations heard about it and laughed; of course this would happen, no one expected him ot make it far, what a failure,_look at how many times i have failed my country... should this go on?

_mexican american war: look at how greedy you are! you never think for others, even if you're supposed to be the hero! i cant even look at you!_ thats alright, i cant look at my self either

_world war 2: the entire nation of japan thinks you are the_ devil_ here to take them away! i couldnt blame them! LOOK AT YOURSELF._

America brought a hand up to his face, the tears were flowing again.

"what should i do?"

what can i do?"

all he could think of was the pair of shears he kept in his drawer for times like this.

* * *

the cold sting of the silver blade felt nice against his skin. America sighed, as he watched the blood flow from his arms. The sting of the cuts felt nice, in a way, they made him feel better adn forget about everything else that was going on. even if it didnt last forever. his arms were already covered in scars from all the times he had done this in the past. scars ran up and doewn his entire forearm. but its not like anyone cared about him anyway.

he wanted to be left alone.

it was better this way.

even when the clock struck 6 o'clock, he wouldn't eat, not when everyone thinks you're fat anyway.

Alfred walked into his living room, and looked at his guitar. he contemplated about playing it but didnt.

why should he, when everyone else hates his music?

"why cant i just die?" he asked himself.

"look at me, im disgusting, greedy and fat. a demond and a disgrace to the other nations."

"what made me think that i was something good in the first place?"

America walked into his room and curled up on his bed.

he tried to cry, but he could not.

there was nothing left to cry over.

"all the memories of joy are fake, there was nothing, IS nothing for me to be happy about. Why should i celebrate a broken heart on the fourth of july?" what drove me in the first place?

he layed there for hours, not sleeping, not eating, not even thinking.

just being lifeless.

"and then tomorrow" he said with a slight smile "i just have to put on a mask of life again"


	2. Chapter 2

"Beep_ beep"_ went America's alarm clock. He sighed and hit the off button, and looked at the time.

_5:00? already? It's not like I want to go see everyone at the world confrence. Especially England. Not that they would want to see me in return._

America got out of bed and looked at himself in the mirror. His face was pale, and his cheekbones prominent from not eating anything. He had bags under his eyes, and his eyes were slightly bloodshot. He looked down at his forearms; the newly made cuts were scaabbed over, but neverthe less he bandaged them. While he was in the bathroom, he washed his face and freshend up for the day. As he made his way back outside to his room, his phone began to buzz.

_from england: you bloody fool, you better be here on time. The meeting is at YOUR place, so there is NO excuse. _America looked at his phone and smiled "today, the America you know won't be attending the meeting at all."

* * *

America walked into the world confrence room inside the white hosue. He made sure that everything was neat and presentable, very much unlike his normal apearance. He still looked tired, but his eyes now gleamed with something other than fake happiness,

they gleamed with determination.

He looked outisde the window and saw England walking through the Kenedy garden towards the door. Soon followed him was Germany, then Japan. Japan stopped for a little bit to admire the pink roses that grew in the garden. England however, marched ahead, ready to yell at America for being late AGAIN. America watched him enter the building and quickly ran to grab a book. He sat down in his usual spot and read, keeping his face as casual as possible.

The book he was reading was actually very interesting. It was about quantum theory; and how a persons personality is actually a mass of energy that gets transferd to a new body everytime the old one dies. America was so aborbed in his book, that he didnt even notice England walk into the room.

* * *

O_O (accurate representation of England's face)

AMERICA WAS READING A BOOK.

ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT EVEN HE DIDN'T UNDERSTNAD

"America?" England asked. He didn't even bother looking up at him. aengland walked over to the younger nation and poked him.

"What was that for?" America asked in his real voice. He glared at England who jumped back in suprise.  
"Whats with you today?" England asked. "You're all... quiet" America just shrugged and kept reading.

"IS AMERICA READING?!" Germany and Japan both ask.

America sighed. D_o I really come across as that dumb? oh well, what did I expect?_

"Is it really that shocking to see?" America asked.

"Are you alright America?" Japan asked.

"Yes" _NO_

* * *

Soon the other nations piled into the room and the meeting began. _For once _England thought _he doesn't have anything to say. _The rest of the countires began to notice this also. America grinned inwardly _how do I appear to you now?_

_"_America, do you have anything you would like to say?" Germany asked

"No"

"Then I belive that this meeting is finished"

America stood and thanked everyone for coming. He waited until everyone left the room before getting up and putting his book away.

"America" England called. He turned around to see England leaning against the doorway, a worried look on his face.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah"

"You can talk to me, America" England said.

"There is nothing to talk about with you."

"Are you sure?"

_No_


	3. Chapter 3

America was sitting in his living room, reflecting on the events that occured yesterday. He sighed contently; their expressions were priceless. _That doesn't mean that they still don't think less of you._ _They probably thoughth that you were trying to impress them, which you WERE. What happend to showing your true colors? _

_These are my true colors. _America though.

* * *

While he was so busy all wraped up in his thoughts, America didn't even nptice thath his phone was ringing.

"Bloody hell" England said. He had called America 3 times now, and he still wasn't picking up. England placed his phone in his pocket and walked out the door to his hotel room. _That git better have a good reason for not picking up this time._

England walked out of his hotel and down the street. America's house wasn't that far from the hotel that he had in dc, only a few blocks away. He walked down the street, and was enjoying the senery of spring in dc. The cherry and dogwood Blossoms blew every which way the wind blew, and floated gently on the potamic. There was people haing picnics on the river's shores, and the monuments gleamed in the sunlight. He could see the children flying kites in the distance. People on bicycles rode past and the sun warmed his face. **A/N(this is actually what south dc looks like in the spring time, i'm not trying to make it sound better for the story).** _Wow,_ England though. _America had really made something out of what he was given. The last time I was here, I burnt this place to the ground. Look at it now. _England kept walking until he reached America's house. It had a modern look to it, and there was a dogwood tree in full bloom on the front lawn. He saw that America's car was in the driveway, so the younger nation was probably home. England walked up the steps and knocked on the door.

* * *

America jumped when he heard a knock on his door. He sighed and got up out of his chair. When he opened the door, he didn't expect to see a slightly pissed off England.

"Oh, hi England." America said.

"AMERICA! I called you three times, and you didn't pick up!"

"Sorry, I didn't hear my phone ringing."

"You gave me quite a scare."

"Why were you even calling, anyway?"

"I wanted to know if you wanted to do something together."

"Like what?"

"maybe you could show me around? A lot has changed since I've last been here" America just stared at England, compleetly shocked.

"okay... would you like to come inside first?" He asked. England stepped inside his house and was struck by how neat, and yet _empty_ it was. There was a x-box, tv, coffee table, and a couch in the living room. In the corner of the room there was a house plant. The room was very open and had many large windows. Where there wasn't a window, the walls were a light blue.

"Is there something wrong?" America asked. England shook his head _America is starting to sound like Canada... That's very scarry to think about. _

"Would you like anything to eat or drink?" America asked.

"No, thank you."

"Where would you like to go first?" America asked.

"Where ever you want to go" England said. He was curious as to why Alfred was acting this way, and he was going to find out. _And what better way to do it than be with him_

* * *

The two ended up going to the Lincon memorial, the Jefferson monument and the Martin Luther King jr. monument. England had to admit that he enjoyed the way America was now. As they were walking, America still had much of his energy, but it was more gentle and sincere. It was getting late as they made their way back to America's house. England had todays events on his mind the whole way home.

"Arthur"

"hello."

"IGGY" America shouted.

"what?!" England snapped back. He instnatly regretted it when he saw the hurt in America's eyes.

"I just wanted to tell you that we're back at my hosue." He said. "and its around dinner time so i was wondering what you would like to do."

"oh." England said. "I'm sorry for yelling."

"It's fine" America sighed _I couldn't blame you for doing it anyway._

"Are you alrgiht?" England asked.

"Yeah, just tired." _of everything_. Alferd walked into his hosue with England following behind. They sat down in the living room and debated on what do to. Enentually America offerd to play a movie, which En gland was fine with. The two settled for Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoniex. After about halfway through, England noticed America had fallen asleep on his shoulder. He had his arm curled around England's. He was looking at this when he noticed something.

There were bandages under America's swearshirt.

England gently pulled the sleeves on America's hoodie back to not wake him up and saw that his whole forearm was lined with gauze. The same held true with his other arm also.

"Oh Alfred" England whisperd. "What have you done?"

* * *

America stirred in his sleep, but didn't wake up when he felt England roll up his sleeves. H_e found out._ All America did was let a few tears escape from his closed eyes. _I'm so sorry that you had to see this._

England looked back up at his face and saw a few tears escaping from his closed eyes. He gently shook him awake. America's eyes gradually opened and the life in them was compleetly gone. They were lifeless.

"America, Why?" England asked. America just looked at his hands and shrugged.

"It just made me feel better. It distraced me from the real pain."

"what pain?" England asked.  
"Everything. The way people call me fat, and stupid, and how everything I do is disgusting. They're right too."

"Don't say things like that!"

"Why not? It's only the truth. I'm alone, and I probably will always be alone."

"No you won't."

"How are you going to fix this Eng-"

He never got to finish his question because England had kissed him. When they broke appart, He didn't know what to say, or what to do. England pulled hin into a hug and said "we all think you're wonderful.


	4. Chapter 4

America strolled down the streets of dc. The sun hit his face and the flowers swayed in the gentle breeze. America smiled to him self, he was going to go meet England today. America thought about taking him out to lunch, but then decided that he should rent a kayak for the two of them to take out on the Potomac river. As he approached the docks, he could see Britain standing out from everyone else. The sun made his light blond hair look like a halo, and his features looked soft and delicate, unlike the raw and roughness of America.

"Hey Arthur!" America shouted.

"Oh, hello Alfred." England said. America appeared to be looking well. Then again, looks can be very deceiving when it came to America. "How are you?" He asked.

"Better." America said. "Are you ready to go?" England nodded. America placed the red kayak in the river. America let him England go firs. As he helped him into the kayak, he couldn't help but blush a tiny bit at the others touch.

* * *

England was so wrapped up in the scenery once they became clear of the city. He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't notice America steer the boat onto shore.

"Why are we stopping?" England asked.

"Because I want to show you something." America said.

They walked for what seemed like an hour and England was getting annoyed.

"Where the hell are we going?" He snapped.

"We're almost there!" America said with a small smile. They came upon a clearing in the woods with a small creek running though the field. There were flowers of many colors scattered among the field. America picked England, much to his surprise and laid him down in the middle of the field.

"Isn't it nice, Iggy?" America asked. This place was so tranquil and serene; he loved it.

"Yes, I love it." England said with a small smile. "But I love you more."

America had a soft grin on his face when England pecked his cheek. He wrapped his arms around the smaller man and stared up at he clouds.

___I bet he's only doing this because he feels sorry for you. _


	5. Chapter 5

**USUK IS NOW OFFICIAL. A CANNON EPISODE WILL BE RELEASED**

**but that doesn't mean no more freedom of shipping. You are still free to ship who you want... As long as ships don't fight. that would not end well. **

**Happy May. **

* * *

_WHY_

_Why does this alway happen to me?_

America sat up while wiping the tears off of his face.

"What's wrong?" England asked.

"England..." He began, "do you love me?

England was shocked at such a question

"of course I do!" He exclaimed. "Why wouldn't I?"

"Even after all the things I've done?

Im so naïve, and disgusting. I can't even save someone, without hurting someone else. "

England was shocked at the American's words; they were so deep, so serious...

and so sad.

Where did America go?

England wrapped his arms around America's torso and gently pulled him down onto the grass.

"Sing to me." England said.

"What?" America asked.

"I like your voice, so sing to me."

America though about it for a little bit, then came up with the perfect Song.

**nine hundred miles- traditional American folk song**

_I am walking on this track_

_I've got tears in my eyes. _

_I'm trying to read a letter from my home. _

_And if that train runs me right_

_I'll be home Saturday night_

_because I'm nine hundred miles from my home _

_and I'd hate to hear that lonesome whistle blow_

_that long, lonesome train, whistling down. _

_Miles and miles and miles and miles_

_miles and miles from home _

_miles from home _

_miles from home_

_miles from home_

_well I'm walking on this track_

_I've got tears in my eyes_

_Im trying to read a letter from my home_

_and if that train runs me right_

_I'll be home Saturday night_

_because I'm nine hundred miles from my home _

_and I'd hate to heat that lonesome whistle blow_

_that long, lonesome, train whistling down. _

_miles and miles and miles_

_miles and miles and miles_

_miles and miles and miles _

_miles and miles and miles_

_miles and miles from home_

_miles and miles from home_

_Miles and miles from home_

_miles and miles from home _

_and I'd hate to hear that lonesome whistle blow_

_that long_

_lonesome_

_train_

_whistling_

_down. _

a tranquil silence followed after America was done. England cuddled up next to him, his cheek brushing against the others.

"That was simply lovely. Where did you learn to sing?"

America shrugged; "well, I did have SOME free time, so that's what I did.

Please don't tell the other nations."

"you're secret is safe with me." England said with a small smile. He stood up, and reached his hand out to help America up.

"Come on, it's time to go back."

And the left the field hand in hand.


	6. Chapter 6

**hello! for a while, I didn't really know what to write for this next chapter... then I thought about Seeu's I=nightmare, and I got...**

**INSPARIATION! yay.**

* * *

When the couple got back to America's house, he had grown rather quiet. After they got in the car, hardly any words were spoken, and England couldn't tell if the silence was a good thing, or a bad thing. After steping inside, America sat down on the couch, and held his head in his hands, covering his face. England rushed over and knelt infront of him.

"Are you alright?" He asked.

"I don't know" America said "Everything seems like a dream, or maybe its just me who is dreaming. I keep running from this dream of mine, that has taken on the form of a nightmare, and it seems that all I do is drag you along with me."  
"But America, I want to be with you, and this isn't a dream."

"It just seems like it though. Its why all efforts of me trying to wake up are in vain, becasue there is nothing to wake up to. The grim reality of life is already here; I'm not some child who is just getting to know what it feels like to have their favorite toy taken away from them. That feeling of anger, and dissapointment, all directed at myself has never gone away."

"Just out of curosity, when did you become so good with your wording? Its really impressive." England said.

"Time."

"Speaking of time... LOOK! It's 7:30!"

"So?"

"It's cuddle time you git. Come here." England reached his arms out for a hug and wrapped them around America. He really didn't seem as big as everyone said. Englland could wrap his arms around him without a spun aroudn the room, each in eachothers arms until England placed a kiss on his cheek. America smiled; only this time it was sincercre. He kissed him back full on the lips and they both fell over, right onto the couch. England landed ontop of America, there bodies pressed together, and America said

"I am slowly waking up from this nightmare of mine." England smiled and placed a kiss right on his lips. Only this time, it wasn't just love in it, there was also a fierce passion, for the Blue eyed man underneath him.

As the sun set, things only became more and more heated

* * *

Pale moonlight shone through the window, giving everything a soft glow. England was awake, playing with a sleeping America's hair who has snuggled into his chest. A faint smile was on the sleeping nations features, and it looked as though nothing was wrong. This time, England was not fooled.

As it became harder and harder to stay awake, all the brit could think about was how maybe things are going to change for the benifit of both of them.


	7. Chapter 7

**and now... this chapter I feel very cuddly today. so its kinda happy.**

* * *

"England!" America called. When America woke up the following morning, the other half of the bed was empty. America walked through his house until he saw England out on the back porch, looking out at the river.

"Goodmorning" America said, as he wrapped his arms around Englands waist. England relaxed back into America chest and snuggled into him.

"Well you're in a good mood." England said while turning around to face him. "Something specail happen?"

"More like someone" America said while kissing Englands cheek. A blush crept up onto Englands face and he burried his face into America's chest so that he couldn't see it.

"Awww, is someone blushing?" America asked.

"git." England mumbled.

"You're too cute." America said.

"You're cuter." England said. "Anyway, are you hungry?"

"Starving, actually."

"And you promise that you'll eat the food, and not get rid of it?" England asked.

"I pinkie promise." America said while taking aengladns hand and locking his pinkie with the other. America picked England up and carried him inside the house.

"Put me down!" England yelled.

"but whyyyy, you're like having a teddy bear, and is great!" America said. "anyway, what do you want to eat?"  
"food." England said. America gave him that look of _are you fucking kidding me_.

"How does pancakes sound?"

"Just fine" England said with a small smile on his face.

* * *

**short chapter is short.**

**kittens are cuddly**

**please be sure to give any ideas if you have any.**

**have a splendid day**


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